Dear Young-kid-working-part-time-at-Topman,

I’m so sorry I dropped my 1A curry puff at the Topman outlet in Wisma Atria. Please try to understand my pain of losing my favourite curry puff. I beckoned you over NOT because I wanted YOU TO CLEAN UP but because I wanted to ask you for some tissue paper so I can give it a proper burial.

I figured that you looking all dandy in the current uniform of Singaporeans (i.e. black skinny jeans and polo tee) would probably not even know what is a broom so it’d be better if I did the job of cleaning up the mess I made. I would LOVE to take a look at the terms and conditions stated in your employment contract. “Maintaining the store’s hygiene and cleanliness” and the likes are probably not stated in it.

You must have a MAID (or a MOTHER) at home for you to be so freaked out at the sight of a fallen curry puff on the floor that you ran away immediately. Gosh! I’m sorry for scaring you like that! Imagine the flakes and crumbs on the floor! Fortunately the filling didn’t ooze out or you’d think that they were the innards of the curry puff!

Topman must be a really good place to work no? No cleaning up. Standing around looking pretty. Chatting with your colleagues. Avoiding customers when they seem to need assistance. Giving a pained look whenever customers ask you for help. Talking in a really nonchalant and irritating tone. Why… YOU must really LOVE it there!

Funny how stores nowadays don’t realize the importance of speech. Pleasant tone, proper English and a little enthusiasm; faked or real, could go a long way. No wonder you got a job there. It was probably really easy, considering that you don’t need to know how to use a broom or smile at customers.

I know Topman is considered high street fashion but really, don’t over-glamourize your job or yourself. Working in a high street fashion store does not automatically make you a fashionista. Your role in the store is ultimately a sales assistant, which simply means to assist customers and improve sales, which includes cleaning and providing good service because nobody would want to walk into a dirty store with LOUSY SERVICE, not unlike yours.

Poor boy. I don’t think your MOTHER/MAID ever told you all these. Sigh… Not being spoon-fed must be really tough on you. It’s ok. You can join the ranks of spoilt brats frolicking around Orchard Road in their Topshop/Topman clothes, proudly spending their parents’ money on everything!

By the way, I don’t mean to make you swollen-headed but your rendering of TOTALLY BAD SERVICE in what was supposedly a high street fashion outlet has successfully gotten Topman a spot in my list of “Stores/Restaurants Never Ever to Step Into Because It is Not Befitting” and made Topman seem undesirable and low-class. Congratulations! There is some worth in you afterall.

Please do seriously consider working in places where service is not required or where you can look pretty without doing anything in future, say maybe as a toy-boy to a lonely, rich woman looking for companionship? I’m sure you’d do well in such industries.

My writing this letter is to sincerely offer my encouragement and unfaltering faith in your steady route to self-destruction. Keep up the good work!

Mourning the demise of my 1A curry puff whilst condemning spoilt kids,
Someone-who-intends-to-boycott-Topman-indefinitely.